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What is Breaking the Pattern
about?
In Breaking the Pattern, I've synthesized
years of extensive research, professional experience and personal
knowledge in the areas of psychology, behavior modification,
motivation, and achievement into something that is readable and
realistic allowing someone to make real, permanent change in their
lives.
Believe it or not, what I've actually discovered is
that most of our frustrations and difficulties in life are actually
the result of a few key patterns of behavior that each of us has
fallen into over the course of our lives. These patterns differ from
person to person, but the results are the same--these patterns hold us
back, keep us "stuck", and doom us to repeat the same mistakes,
miseries and failures over and over again. Some people think they're
unlucky, or cursed, or doomed; some feel like they're never getting
the respect, love, or approval they deserve; some feel lost,
confused, or continually uncertain about their direction or place in
life. In Breaking the Pattern, I reveal how all of these
thoughts, feelings, and perceptions are actually the result of our
own patterns of behavior which, once broken, can set anyone free to
live their dreams and realize their potential.
Breaking
the Pattern guides readers to envision bold new goals for their
lives--free from the mental, emotional, spiritual and cultural
boundaries that might have limited the scope of their ambitions in
the past. Once these newfound aspirations are crystallized, readers
will discover how to use everything they've learned to go after
their ideas with gusto, and this time, get what they want.
Why do you think this concept of "breaking patterns"
is so critical for effective living?
What I've learned
from my years of research, personal experience, and from years of
counseling thousands of clients in weight loss, motivation, and
behavior modification, is that most of us repeat and maintain
certain patterns throughout our lives, and we often do so
unconsciously. The experiences that patterns produced may seem
different and unrelated, but if you look at the effects, you'll see
this sense of difference is an illusion. The event may be populated
by a different cast of characters wearing different clothing,
changed by a different time and place and in slightly altered
circumstances, but if you are still trapped by patterns that don't
serve you well, it's all the same. The worst part is that these
experiences are all related, by one simple strand--but we're not even
aware that this influence is there.
That said, I have found
it impossible to break a behavioral pattern by simply wishing or
willing it so. Only with the digging, sleuthing, and questioning
outlined in the book can you finally identify and understand these
patterns, and work to short-circuit these patterns in order to
regain control in your life.
What prompted you to
write this book?
In a way, it begins with my life as a
thinking adult, responsible for making my way in the world. Even
though I had some success, I couldn't help but wonder if there was a
road map or instruction manual to right living--an infallible guide
that would tell me what to do, how to act and what to avoid. Of
course, there was none.
I'd been in several romantic
relationships that were not successful. Each relationship seemed to
end the same way, and the personalities of the women were quite
similar--and, of course, I blamed them for what went wrong. Then, I
had been fat most of my life. In my 30s, I was nearly 50 pounds
overweight. I tried every diet known, but they were all "no good"
and I blamed the diets. Professionally, I had been involved in
several entrepreneurial partnerships. Each partnership ended up
badly, all with a common theme. Again, I thought it was all of my
business partners who were at fault. I took no responsibility for
the fact that I had chosen these women, these diets, or these
business partners. It was much easier to make excuses, or to blame
others, or destiny for my lot in life.
As I began to
explore, I was able to synthesize and clarify certain issues and
thoughts that had long interested me, that is, patterns of behavior.
In fact, I'd already put in years of research on certain patterns,
such as the effects of an exaggerated fear of failure, how one does
or doesn't take responsibility for one's own life, how step-by-step
goal-planning helps generate optimum performance and the effects of
various strategies for living a life of achievement. I really wanted
to develop a clear, realistic manual on living a full life, and how
to create change to get there. As I began to research these concepts
and ideas more, it started "falling into place" for me, in terms of
developing the principles outlined in this book, and effecting real
change in my life.
How do people develop the patterns
in their lives? When and why do we fall into
patterns?
Psychologists tell us that we establish
patterns of coping, succeeding and failing early in life. The
relationships we have with our parents when we are children can
determine how we relate to the world for the rest of our lives. If
we're not conscious of how these relationships work, as adults, we
continue to act and react the same way, whether or not our actions
are effective or get us what we want.
Most of us don't
consciously try to come up with destructive, self-sabotaging
behavior, but many times we are hindered by what we feel is a lack
of options because we have developed patterns that have closed off
other possibilities for us. This is how negative patterns develop.
Breaking the Pattern gives readers the awareness to identify
their negative patterns; solutions for undoing the ill effects of
their previously ingrained negative patterns; and a toolkit for
avoiding self-destructive behavior in the future. Leaving patterns
unexamined only ends up compounding a person's problems in the long
term Breaking the Pattern helps short circuit this
eventuality.
Give some examples of the negative
patterns that people fall into in their lives.
I think
that some of the key patterns that emerge in our lives are in our
relationships--family, friends, and especially romantic relationships.
They can also be found in our approach to our career, or in our
relationships to substances that are often abused, such as food,
alcohol, or drugs.
The most common patterns that I've found,
and which are discussed in greater detail in the book:
-Finding someone/something to blame
-Self-sabotage and
self-handicapping
-Bad choices compounded by denial
-Always
seeking the short cut and the path of least resistance
-Using
food as a weapon
-Substance abuse
These might sound like
far-reaching patterns that would be difficult to grasp, never mind
tackle, in our daily lives. But in my research and personal work,
I've generated an extremely effective, step-by-step method for
dealing with these issues.
What is the benefit/payoff
for identifying and breaking patterns?
When we examine
our successes and failures honestly and carefully, we can see the
outline of very distinct patterns. By being aware of these patterns,
we can analyze them, break them down and focus on not repeating the
negative behavior that has led us to failure and disappointment. We
can also learn to capitalize on our positive patterns, thus making
huge advances in both our personal and professional lives.
Does this mean that all patterns are undesirable? Do
you think that we should live unpredictable, unstructured lives,
free from habit or consistency?
Absolutely not I do
distinguish in the book between "positive patterns" and "negative
patterns". For instance, if your goal is to be healthy and fit, then
working out for an hour every morning would be a positive pattern;
or if your goal is to develop a better relationship with your
sister, calling her every Sunday would be a positive pattern.
But the key, and this is crucial, is that you are aware of
both your positive patterns and your negative patterns. Because when
you are aware, you are in control. Being aware is the only way to
determine if a pattern is a positive or a negative one--because a
positive pattern is one that helps us do the things we want to do in
our lives--and we can only know that when we know what we want, and
we've developed the pattern consciously in the interest of working
toward that end.
What are the biggest barriers to
breaking patterns in our lives?
Working on yourself so
that you can achieve meaningful goals and have the life you want
isn't easy. Continuing on the same course, perpetuating a negative
pattern no matter how unsatisfying, numbing, or even destructive it
may be occurs because it feels safe, familiar, comfortable and
convenient. This is a huge barrier to change.
Furthermore,
negative or undermining patterns can be deeply ingrained and hard to
overcome. You need both motivation and discipline for the task. But
to rid yourself of negative patterns, you must first be willing to
look unflinchingly at yourself and for most of us, that's not
something that comes easy.
I do caution readers in the book,
that while it's crucial to look at ourselves unflinchingly and
unsparingly, we do have to forgive ourselves for falling into
patterns, even as we vow to get to the bottom of them and change the
ones that are destructive. In addition to this element of
self-forgiveness, I also encourage readers to feed off the strength
and pride one feels for one's successes in life, the things we've
achieved in spite of the obstacles before us.
With a
combination of forgiveness, strength, confidence, and dedication to
task, readers will find the process to ultimately be an
extraordinarily rewarding undertaking.
In Breaking the
Pattern, you outline "Five Principles You Need to Remodel Your
Life". What are those 5 principles?
The 5 principles
outlined in the book are simple, and very effective for accessing
your potential in all areas of your life. The amazing thing about
this step-by-step process is that you don't have to be "prepared" in
order for it to be effective. The exercises take you through the
work you need to do and as you complete them, you'll find that you're
able to integrate these principles into your understanding, and
start the momentum toward real life changes.
The 5
principles are as follows:
1. PATTERNS:
Recognize, review and evaluate various stages of your life, reflect
on those stages and look for underlying negative patterns that
repeat themselves.
2.
FAILURE: To be successful you can't be afraid to risk
failure. Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow and is an
integral part of achievement, not separate from it. Trying +
Failing=Learning
3.
RESPONSIBILITY: By focusing on individual responsibility you
can learn to accept the fact that you are responsible for the
choices you make in your life. This opens you up to opportunity-only
then is real change possible.
4. GOALS:
Reaching your goals requires planning ahead and developing a
specific strategy. When you set goals and believe in them you have a
greater likelihood of achieving them. Your goals must also be
S.M.A.R.T-Specific, Motivating,
Achievable, Rewarding, and Tactical.
Achievement is not something that happens to anyone by accident-it
is planned for, visualized and relentlessly pursued.
5. ACHIEVEMENT:
Understanding that achievement is the result of action-oriented
behavior will encourage you to develop tactics and strategies such
as being proactive, learning personal values, paradigm shifting, and
being "opportunity ready".
What makes someone want to
change?
Changing patterns that are almost reflexive and
automatic is hard and sometimes painful work--you have to be sincerely
motivated in order to be prepared to make any kind of change. I
think that's why I've found there's usually something or someone--a
situation, event or individual--that makes people realize that they
want to change, that they need to change. In the book I call these "trigger
events".
Triggers can be as clear as getting fired or ending
an important relationship. A trigger even can be a much quieter
affair instead of something that hits you over the head. It may be a
casual but hurtful comment about your appearance or status.
Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve, the holidays, or any other
significant event that makes us reflect on where we've been and
where we're going, are all common triggers. Reading this book and
seeing yourself and your patterns in a new light could be a trigger.
I've found that it's very important not to ignore any
trigger, no matter how small--a trigger is a call for you to motivate
into action. If there is an area in your life that really needs
changing, the feeling will come up again and again, triggered by a
variety of causes. The trick is to use triggers to your advantage
before you hit rock bottom.
Can people really
change? What do you have to say about pre-determinism?
Destiny?
Yes people really can change, but they first
have to want to change. As far as a pre-determinism, I believe the
principles behind Breaking the Pattern do not contradict any
of these theories. All that I am saying it that I think
responsibility means improving your life by seizing those golden
moments when you are given a gift of knowledge, of life or of
opportunity and those gifts can come from a higher power or divinity,
or just by chance. That's up to you to decide. But I would caution
against allowing ideas of pre-determination stop you from pursuing
your dreams by using those ideas as an excuse.
There
are some things that we simply can't change, like genetics. Does
this contradict the principles in the book?
Of course,
there are people who insist that biology explains and excuses all
good and bad behavior. "He's a born criminal; she's an alcoholic,
just like her mother; he's a genius; the apple doesn't fall far from
the tree!".
I would say that knowing as much as possible
about one's biology (and family history) leads to an entirely
different conclusion: you can take responsibility for the knowledge
and make it work for you. Having access to such important
information, like whether you're predisposed to alcoholism, is
immensely useful tool in your warehouse of self-knowledge. It would
be foolish to ignore anything that helps you to know yourself more
fully, and avoid the potential booby traps in your life. This
knowledge is not a life sentence--it is a way to make your life
better. It helps you know what to avoid, and what to embrace. It
helps you chart a smarter course.
Neither temperament nor
genetics are destiny. It is not what you are born with, but rather
what you do with it that determines where and how your life will go.
In the book, you encourage people to embrace failure.
Isn't that self-defeating?
I'm not suggesting that
failure and rejection are so instructive that you should actively or
carelessly pursue either of them. Failure and rejection are bound to
visit anyone who strives for prizes in life and is not satisfied
with the status quo. But I would suggest that in this busy world, in
which everything is moving at increasing speed--communication,
information, transactions of every sort--that anything that makes us
stop and really think deeply about ourselves, and the ways in which
we try to reach goals and attain satisfaction, and perhaps, how we
sabotage ourselves, is not all bad.
How important is goal planning
to achieving one's objectives?
I don't think that life is a game of
wait-and-see. Our goals, thankfully, are in our hands and are not a
matter of chance. In the book, I propose that we must stop "making
do" with whatever presents itself, and instead dare to take a
proactive role in creating the world that lives in our dreams. It
will not be handed to you. It will not coincidentally materialize if
you think about it long enough and hard enough. This is the essence
of why goal planning is so critical to achievement.
"In the
long run, men hit only what they aim at."
- Henry Thoreau
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